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Eurogamer Preview: Sonic Free Riders

September 21, 2010
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I do remember Wave! I do - I do!

Well, you have to give them credit, Eurogamer are nothing if not honest. I suspect unfit and sculling those diet cokes by the box as well, but they are euro-gamers, hey? They’re cool-kids like that. Look at this opening topic sentence, it doesn’t just start off bad, it sets the template for the horrors yet to come!

Remember Sonic Riders? No? That’s probably because it was awful.

Oh? Oh, I guess it was, I would have reviewed it myself but to be honest my keyboard couldn’t take much more bashing from my skull as I smashed the keys repeatedly like that young German fellow I saw on youtube the other day – I suppose he was a euro-gamer, too.

Back to reporting the preview. The E-Gamers don’t just kick SFR into the dust, the Kinect gets some cold-shouldering as well… kinda reminds me of the Wii’s reception – maybe they have something against casual gaming consoles? No – that’s ridiculous, that would make them biased!

We gleam some useful information about the menu screen, at least, between all the clever and original quipps:

It takes fully five minutes to get off the menu screen. Riders, like Kinect Sports and Adventures, requires you to select things on the menu by moving your hand back and forth across the screen to scroll through options, then holding your hand up in front of an icon to select it. We’re supposed to drag our desired character icon to the ‘Start’ icon at the bottom of the screen.

This way of controlling the board doesn’t just look deranged, it’s also tremendously uncomfortable. Bending backwards at the waist is not a natural motion.

Hey, this writer’s good, I can hear some real voice in there. I’d go on and tell you about what the E-Gamers thought of the rest of the preview, but I went to sleep by the second page from all the complaining. I think he’s a pom, he complains a lot.

(My reporting has ended here, by the way). I made up some clever names for the Eurogamers instead: E-Gamers, Ergogamers, AggroGamers, GammaEuroBeamers, JollyRogergamathalons, Eldergerminaters and Europa Humphrey. I’d shake their hand if anybody on the planet was actually called that last.

You can check out this informative, in-depth preview here. Once you’ve done that, go watch this video to remind yourself where it’s all coming from.

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